Some Things I’ve Learned Navigating Church Hurt
H
ave you ever been forced out of ministry? Been pitted against your church’s leadership? Threatened, ignored, or patronized by church leaders? I have. Learning to forgive and leave room for the vengeance of God with respect to church hurt has been one of the hardest challenges of my life. (Although the title phrase sticks in my mind, I also pray for changed hearts and God’s mercy, as much as I covet God’s mercy over my own sins.)
If you haven’t experienced this kind of grief, you may some day. Jesus says in Matthew 24:12, “And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.” If we want to be overcomers, we cannot join this “many”. We have to be the contrast: “But he who endures to the end shall be saved” (Matthew 24:13).
How true it is! I find that it’s easier to forgive all manner of hatred from people I do not know, but betrayal by family is the hardest to navigate, whether by blood, marriage, or church family. (As I mentioned, today I’m going to concentrate on the latter.)
How do we overcome? Leviticus 19:18 says, “You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.” Take no vengeance and bear no grudge, but love your neighbor as yourself. I think David, who penned this psalm, trusted and lived by these principles.
Psalm 37:5-11
5 Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.
7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
Do not fret—it only causes harm.
9 For evildoers shall be cut off;
But those who wait on the LORD,
They shall inherit the earth.
10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more.
11 But the meek shall inherit the earth,
And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
Take No Vengeance
Proverbs 20:22
Do not say, “I will recompense evil”;
Wait for the LORD, and He will save you.
When David’s son Absalom was trying to seize the throne, David fled Jerusalem to the east, accompanied by his loyal entourage. As they were going up the Mount of Olives, someone told David that his friend and counselor Ahithophel had rebelled and joined Absalom’s conspiracy. 2 Samuel 16:23 says, “Now the advice of Ahithophel, which he gave in those days, was as if one had inquired at the oracle of God. So was all the advice of Ahithophel both with David and with Absalom.”
I cannot prove it, but I imagine that Ahithophel was the one David thought about when he penned these words:
Psalm 55:12-14
12 For it is not an enemy who reproaches me;
Then I could bear it.
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
Then I could hide from him.
13 But it was you, a man my equal,
My companion and my acquaintance.
14 We took sweet counsel together,
And walked to the house of God in the throng.
David looked to the LORD for help and justice, rather than seeking personal revenge. He said, “O LORD, I pray, turn the counsel of Ahithophel into foolishness!” (2 Samuel 15:31). God answered David’s prayer by turning Absalom’s heart against Ahithophel’s good counsel. And then Ahithophel, seeing that Absalom had not followed his counsel, put his house in order and hung himself. A couple of years ago, I wrote a blog called Betrayal on the Mount of Olives, going into detail about how David’s betrayal by Ahithophel pre-mirrored Jesus’ betrayal by Judas Iscariot.
The same day David dealt with Ahithophel’s betrayal, he was cursed and pelted with rocks and dust by an angry man named Shimei the son of Gera. One of David’s general’s, Abishai the son of Zeruiah, proposed he go and decapitate the man. But David said, “What have I to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? So let him curse, because the LORD has said to him, ‘Curse David.’ Who then shall say, ‘Why have you done so?’ ” (2 Samuel 16:10). After God squelched Absalom’s rebellion, David crossed the Jordan and again met Shimei the son of Gera. This time, he asked that the king not remember his sins against him. Hearing this, Abishai again proposed that he should be put to death for cursing the king. And David said, “What have I to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah, that you should be adversaries to me today? Shall any man be put to death today in Israel? For do I not know that today I am king over Israel?” (2 Samuel 19:22). And David swore to Shimei, “You shall not die.” Probably the reason David said, “sons of Zeruiah” is because Abishai and his brother Joab often seemed to be bent on vengeance. David chose a better path.
In the New Testament, Paul (and God) exhorts the Corinthians (and us) with these words:
1 Corinthians 6:7-11
7 Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8 No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! 9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.
These words echo in my mind: “Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated?”
In another passage, the writer reminds the Hebrews of the sufferings they had endured as new believers, and exhorts them to endure in their faith.
Hebrews 10:32-39
32 But recall the former days in which, after you were illuminated, you endured a great struggle with sufferings: 33 partly while you were made a spectacle both by reproaches and tribulations, and partly while you became companions of those who were so treated; 34 for you had compassion on me in my chains, and joyfully accepted the plundering of your goods, knowing that you have a better and an enduring possession for yourselves in heaven. 35 Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:
37 “For yet a little while,
And He who is coming will come and will not tarry.
38 Now the just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”
39 But we are not of those who draw back to perdition, but of those who believe to the saving of the soul.
Presumably, when new believers joyfully accepted the plundering of their goods, knowing that they had a better and enduring possession for themselves in heaven, this plundering was the action of unbelievers. If believers wrong or cheat us, do we fight them, or do we rather accept being wronged and cheated, knowing that we have a better and enduring possession for ourselves in heaven? Will we have more grace for the unbelievers than the body of Christ?
Bear No Grudge
Hebrews 12:14-15
14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;
Perhaps Ahithophel’s betrayal of David sprang up from a root of bitterness. 2 Samuel 23:34 says, “Eliam the son of Ahithophel the Gilonite,” and 2 Samuel 11:3 says, “Is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” If these Eliams were the same man, then Ahithophel was the grandfather of Bathsheba. If this was the case, perhaps Ahithophel held a grudge against David for his sin against Bathsheba and her husband? We don’t know. There doesn’t have to be a good or known reason.
I don’t want to go into detail of my own situations, but it hurt a lot. I would tell myself I forgave them, and was fine, but I really wasn’t. Buried under the surface of my heart, unacknowledged, I harbored bitterness.
One time I ran into one of the pastors at church. Recognizing me, he said hi, and smiled. And me? I kind of recoiled, and barely managed a stiff hello. I felt my countenance could not have hidden my feelings, and frankly, my involuntary reaction alerted me to the fact that there was a problem. I wrote to him the next day and told him where I was coming from. We had interacted more than a year before, and I hadn’t liked his response. I admitted I also had other hurts from other leaders. We exchanged a couple e-mails, and I chose to forgive him then.
However, the cumulative effect was growing. I remember saying, “I feel like I’m a tongue, to whom the body says, ‘I don’t need you’”—thinking about the parable of the body in 1 Corinthians 12:21. My eyes only saw my hurt.
A little later, I wrote a letter expressing all the ways I’d been mistreated. It was never sent. It was never meant to be sent, but I desired to share those thoughts in person. The meeting never happened. (In this midst of writing this blog, I found and deleted the file.) Months later, I came to realize it was a good thing. It’s difficult to be confronted personally. Anonymously, such as by reading the Bible, listening to a sermon, or reading a blog, is much easier to receive. I thought, I don’t want to crush anyone’s heart.
Then one day last summer, I was scrolling social media and I saw a post that instantly triggered me. Innocuous details, aggregated, brought back a painful memory. I yelled at my phone, and then took out a prayer journal and quickly filled a page, telling God how mad I was for all the ways I’d been mistreated.
That evening, I was talking to a wise friend, and I mentioned it. She said, “You should just forgive them; it’s only hurting you.” That surprised me. I mean, I thought I had forgiven them—hadn’t I? (You’re probably laughing as you hear this, but I was serious!) In the days that followed, I had to acknowledge my emotional outburst proved I had not.
As I was processing all of this, two things came across my path.
In my Bible reading, I read again the parable of the 10,000 talents, and thought deeply about what Jesus was saying.
Matthew 18:21-35
21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. 26 The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.
28 “But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 30 And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. 31 So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. 32 Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ 34 And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.
35 “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”
The fruit of unforgiveness, when fully grown, is apostasy! That’s serious!
Also, I saw afresh an account from Corrie ten Boom on forgiveness. She describes the day a former guard stuck out his hand and asked for her forgiveness for sins he’d committed in the Ravensbrück concentration camp. Corrie struggled for a moment, which is no surprise, but she knew if we don’t forgive, He won’t forgive us. She asked Jesus for help, and chose to move her hand. As she did, the Holy Spirit supplied the feelings of forgiveness and joy. I highly recommend reading Ms. Ten Boom’s account in her own words, through the link above. One of the things Corrie says is this: “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”
As I meditated on these things and asked for help, I believe God enabled me to forgive the hurts from the church leaders. I am thankful to the LORD not only for the ability for forgive, but also for bringing to my attention what I was not willing to see for quite some time, and not letting me stay there.
There’s a song called “I Forgive You” by Gilbert Hovsepian, a believer who’s father was murdered because of his ministry in Iran, when Gilbert was 17. The end of the last verse speaks to the reality that feelings sometimes come back, and if they do, we are faced afresh with the need to forgive.
Love Your Neighbor as Yourself
These exhortations stand on their own, and are good ending to a hard message.
Matthew 5:44-48
44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.Romans 12:17-21
17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 Therefore
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
LORD, help us!
In Jesus name, Amen.
